CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CONVERSATIONS WITH GRANDMA

Strange hbw one's life moves through different vibrational cycles. Just think all that has happened to you is because what you have done in the past. I was about five of six years old. I remember walking into the room one day. As I close my eyes I can see it even now; a dining room with a big dining room table, two captain's chairs, four other chairs sitting around it, a buffet and sideboard, twolbig windows in the front of this room, corner cupboard filled with china, a chest under another window and in front of that window sitting in one of the captain's chairs, my grandmother. Jerry: Hi, Grandma, ya all done"

Grandma: Yes, Jerry, I am done.

Jerry: Oh, what did those people want who were herb?

Grandma: Well, they come to tell me their troubles.

Jerry: Their troubles, well, what does that mean?

Grandma: They come to tell me what's wrong in their life. Jerry: How do they do that? Grandma: I take these cards and I give them to them and I tell them to shuffle them. And then I take the cards and lay them out in front of me and I can see from the way the cards come out what their troubles are. Jerry: Oh! Well how do you see it, 6randma? Where do you see it? Grandma: You see it inside. And then you tell them the meaning of the cards and then you tell them what you see inside, which is what is inside of them. Jerry: How do you know what is inside someone else, Grandma? Grandma: You don't think about yourself at all and then you just feel what it is like to be the other person. Jerry: Oh, can I do that, brandma? Grandma: Yes, and someday you will. Rv,run along and play. Yes, I remember those conversations with Grandma. Now, many years have passed and Grandma has passed on. But I remember those

days. A very enlightened woman, passing wisdom on to a small boy, a child that didn't understand at that time, but now has found the doorway into light through those teachings. I was about 8 years old and Grandma had just read for some people and I walked into the room. As I walked into the room - I had a habit of slamming the door behind me - I slammed the door.- One of Aunt Kit's cups - a beautiful aunt of mine that worked so hard,.so tirelessly - she had so many children and she took care of me just like I was her own - I remember those days on the farm; wbll,as I slammed the door, one of her favorite cups that she had got at the County Fair was on the top shelf and it started to fall to the floor. My grandmother looked at it and it stopped and went

back up on the shelf. I said, "Grandma, how did ya do that?"

Grandma: "Oh, Jerry, there are powers beyond.your wildest dreams

and they touch us all at all times.11 Jerry: "Oh, will I, can I see these powers Grandma?" Grandma: "Yes, you can see these powers and you can experience them Jerry. They are beautiful, friendly powers. You bring them to you by being truth and love and experiencing the knowledge that God gives to you.11 Jerry: "Oh, well how did you make the cup go back up on the shelf? I could see it going back. Oh, well its lucky it didn't break cause Aunt Kits would really have been upset. That was one of her favorite cups." Grandma: "Yes, I know and I don't think God will mind if we put it back on the shelf." Jerry: "Grandma, can you read for me? Tell me what's going to happen to me.11 Grandma: "Sure, Jerry. Come over here and sit on the floor.11 I sat there with my legs crossed, my head shaved, as did all the kids in the summer time. We used to really hate it. I sat there with my grandmother, a very large woman, close to 500 pounas, but a heart as big as a man. She began by handing me the cards. Grandma: "Jerry, think real hard, real hard about what's going to happen to you. And ask thb question harder than you've ever asked

it before, deep, deep, deep inside yourself as you shuffle the cards. And thbn hand them back to me and I'll tell you what I

see.11 Jerry: "Does it matter how I shuffle them, Grandmother?" Grandma: "No, just shuffle them any way you want, Jerry.11 Jerry: "I think I'll shuffle them like Uncle Lou shuffles the

cards when he plays Pin@hle., It Grandma: "That's O.K. Now, thank you, hand them to me. Sit upon this chair so you can see as I lay the cards out and let me tell you what I see. You must feel like you are right here and listen to everything I am saying, Jetry. Don't try to think or feel anything, just listen. First I see a meSSsage for me. Oh, it's my life. A questions I've asked and God always answers me. And ffe will always answer you, Jerry. All you need to do is ask and then when you help someone else the answer comes to you.11 Jerry: "Oh, thank you Grandma, but what's the cards say?"

Grandma: "Well, they say that I am going to be a long way from here.

And I am going to be in a place where there is an ocean and I arn

going to be in a room all by myself, Jerry. And that is where I am

going to go and leave this world.11

Jerry: "Oh, you mean nobody's going to be around. Nobody ever

lets you alone, Grandma! I'll be with you.11

Grandma: "Oh no, Jerry, you won't be with me and nobody else will be with me. I'll be alone.11 Jerry: "Oh well, what's the cards say about me Orandma?"

Grandma: "Well, first of all it shows here that you are going to

get into a lot of trouble, Jerry.11

Jerry: '!Oh, I'm always getting in trouble.11

Grandma: "Yes, because you have a very strong mind and whatever you think is what happens to you.11 Jerry: "You mean I cause my own trouble, Grandma?" Grandma: "Yes, everything you think will come to you. Everything always returns back to its source.11 Jerry: "Oh, well what else? Will I ever get married, 6randma? Will I ever stop being in trouble?"

Grandma: "Oh, not for a long time. Its wh6n you - when you start on the path to experience, Jerry, that your trouble will begin.11

Jerry: "Oh, thank you Grandma. But will I ever get married,

Grandma? Will I?"

Grandma: "Yes, Jerry, you'll get married but it won't be for long.

And then you'll get married again and you will have two more children cause the first one you'll have is a girl.11 Jerry: "Oh, I wanted to have a boy so he could play with me.11

Grandma: "Yes.11

Jerry: "Well what else do you see for me, Grandma?"

Grandma: "Oh, many things, Jerry. Your life is going to be up and down. But in the end you are going to be happy and everything is going to be beautiful for you.11 Jerry: "Oh, thank you Grandma. How far can you see?" Grandma: "Well, it looks like to about 35 years old and then your life will change and there I see a fog. You have a choice.11 Jerry: "Thank you, Grandma.11 The words of wisdom that my grandma gave to me when I was a child now come floating up from my subconscious mind. For years I've been working within myself, correcting, undoing, reimpressing, making mistakes, reacting upon those mistakes and erroneous ideas then correcting them; looking for the right path, searching and working, experiencing upon myself. I came to find that my belief system gave me all. I uncovered those conversations with my grandmother through long hours of meditation. In my first very strong reuniting with that was shortly after I cam-here from South Lake Tahoe to this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the island of Oahu. Stange the way that fate moves our being. Stranger still is the forces that are unseen, that is always moving within us. All I knew is I had to get away from the life I was leading. It was a lie. Everything about it was an illusion. I found myself meeting with myself over and over and over again in confusion, mis- understanding, wondering and depression. Yes, before I came here I had two years of continuous depression., Feeling sorry for myself.

Even wishing to end it all and thon dreaming exaggerated dreams. Searching for Reality, searching without running, chasing, following illusion. Chasing my shadow, running ever forward as it leaps before me. Every time I reached down it leaped before me faster and faster. Then I came to Hawaii and I stopped and my shadow stopped. I turned around and my shadow began to follow me. Your belief system is very strong. The illusions that we create by not centering in time, illusions by running our awareness into the past, listening to old vibrations over and over again. A constant flow of negativity by association comes pouring out to meet us in the here and now. Happiness is a frame of mind, but a very elusive one when you're not centered in time, thinking about the future. "What's going to happen next?" "Oh, will I ever, will I ever do that?" "Why does it have this hold?" "Oh, how fortunate some are to die.11 "Oh, some live.11 "Oh, how do they do it?" "How do they find their way?" Here I am now in Hawaii and I remember my first day here. The trip started: I left South Lake Tahoe on March 18, 1974, and as I drove down that mountain towards Sacramento, I knew I'd never return. I had my security box along with me. All of my possessions I'd left in a house that I'd been in with many strange and interesting people moving in and out of it. And down the mountain I went, heading for Mexico to get away from it all. To see if I could live the dream of freedom that my mind had manifested out of the depths of depression. And I got to the Bay Area where my mother and my sister lived and I decided to leave my truck there. I was looking to find a mail plane to fly down to the southern part of California where I could catch a bus and go down into the interior of Mexico. Well, calling airline after airline and getting the 'run around', I finally decided to go to the airport and search for my illusive mail plane that my friends had told me about, the fare being unbelievably low and me having a limit of money. As I got to the airport we passed a counter. My sister said, "Here, why don't you go to Hawaii, instead?" At that very moment a strange sensation happened. I saw a glow of light that passed very fast. I dismissed it, I had been smoking some tharijuana cigarettes and I just dismissed it as a change that

one sees of the illusion of thbir mind. But as that Light passed,

I could remember things about Grandma, things that she'd done but that seemed so long ago. She'd been gone and the past is an illusion. And so many things had happened to change my consciousness and to move me into a different frame of being. I said, "Yes, I'll go to Hawaii, yes...It So I found myself on the plane to Hawaii, still deep in depression. I decided to leave everything behind. I took six changes of clothes. I didn't even have enough money to get back off the island. I said, "I'll run away". I never worried about starving or not having shelter because I always knew the force Grandma told me about was always guiding me, was always with me and nothing could ever go wrong. I flew into the airport, got off the plane, it was 9:05 a.m., March 22, 1974. I didn't even know if there were any hotels available or where Honolulu was. All I knew was that I was on a new path. Anything was better than routine, anything was better than fighting illusion, anything was better than getting lost on the path and looking at a grim future through negative eyes. Freedom! What a beautiful place, so warm at night.. "I wonder if it's like this all the time," was the thought that passed through my mind. I got into the airport and I walked over to the area to gather my baggage, I saw a phone that had hotels listed so I looked for the least expensive one. I only had $110.00 and I knew once I spent that money, my chances of leaving would even be more slim. But I took that step forward for a new life, for a higher dimension. I wanted to be better than I was, mo@ truth, more wisdom, more love. I looked back at a cold, cold being, beating himself with the illusions created by mind through the stimuli of illusions created by mind. I found a place down by Waikiki. It was forty-nine dollars a week, I called them up. They said, "Yes, we have a room.11 I said, "Well, save it for me". And I gave them my name. I said, "Well, how do I get there, I'm at the airport?" They told me to catch a bus and just to tell them to let me off across from their hotel.

I got on the bus and rode in. Strange thoughts passed through my mind. How can I settle my mind from worrying, disease, suffering, self-pity, doubt, lack of confidence, not caring if life went on or ended here in Paradise because I told myself this is Paradise that I'm going to. As I rode in on the bus I remembered my grandma. Somehow she seemed closer to me now than ever before. I remember long hours that Grandma would sit on the porch and rock and rock and rock and never open her eyes, a smile upon her face, so peaceful and calm. She would gently rock and then for an hour or so she may stop and I would look at her as I played in our large front yard on the farm. I was ten years old then. Jerry: Grandma, why do you sleep so much? Grandma: Oh, I don't sleep Jerry. I know everything that is going on. Jerry: Well, how can you do that, Grandma? You've got your eyes closed. Oh, do you see me play too? Grandma: Yes, I see you playing too.

Jerry: Oh, could you see Aunt Kits cooking in the kitchen?

Grandma: Yes, I could even see Aunt Kits cooking in the kitchen.

Jerry: Could you see where my mom and daddy are? Grandma: Oh yes, Jerry, they'@ far away in a land called California. Jerry: Oh will I ever see them again? Grandma: Yes, you're going there soon and into the world of experiences. Jerry: Do I have a choice, Grandma? Can I stay here with you? Grandma: Yes Jerry, you have a choice. You can go into the world of experiences or you can stay here with me and I'll tell you the secrets. Jerry: Oh well, I'd like to see my mom and daddy. Grandma: You will. My grandmother did all the things of the Masters of the East. She had some mysterious books. Strange, my grandmother, when she was born, she had a lace mask upon her face. It was peeled off at her birth and her mother saved it for her. And my grandmother carried it around with her. She used to keep it in a chest at the bottom of

her bed. She also had some books and sometimes sh6ld read to me

from those books. And sh6 told me never to tell anybody what I

l@arned, to always keep it in my mind and never let anybody know,

for they wouldn't understand what I was saying. But someday the

time may come when I could share that information. She said, "But

now people's minds are not ready, Jerry, but when you get bigger, you'll be able to help. Jerry: Oh well, I like to help, Grandma. Grandma: I know, well why don't you go help your Aunt Kits, right now. Yes, I remember Grandma used to tell me those things. And then suddenly I was on my way in a normal way never giving'dnymore emphasis to th6 teachings. They were very natural. Those first days in Hawaii were strong. I knew there was a force with me. The first night I was there I sat up all night saying, "Dear God, what do I do, what do I do? How do I find my way, what am I supposed to do?" I sat there in that room and I looked outside and I said, "I wonder when it is ever going to get cool here in Hawaii?" Then the rain came and it was warm and I was so happy. I went downstairs and I ran out into the rain and I walked up and down the streets and it was late at night. Nobody was around, til I got down to a little coffee shop. Everybody was happy and smiling because I was happy and smiling. It seemed like the way I was, everyone else was. I walked back home in the rain after drinking a cup of tea. I went up to my room and waited and waited. Pretty soon the sun started to come up. It had only showered for a short time. I fell asleep for a couple of hours and I got up with a hunger and an urging that I had to be someplace. I didn't know what it meant. But Grandma said whenever you feel the urge or pull in consciousness, follow.

I went out after a few hours sleep. The strange thing, I was very refreshed. I walked down the street and as I walked I noticed that a paper got stuck to my foot. I reached down and theftit was, a man's face looking at me from that piece of paper and it said,

"A thought for the day". As I read that thought on the paper,

it was the answer to my prayer. It was the answer to the questions I had asked that night before. I said,"Thank you God, now I know you're really with me. Now I know, I'll take this sign. I'll take it. I'll take it because Grandma taught me to take things like this. I'll take it.1, You're belief system is very, very strong. The power of letting go is a very strong power within that belief system. Letting go of old limitations and comfortable positions, letting go of those narrow points of view, seeking a broader horizon, traveling upon the Rainbow Bridge of Light to a higher dimension and using VISUALIZED PRAYER. These are some of the things that I remember. Your faithis letting go. It's trusting in that fourth dimen- sion and fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth and all those other dimensions that you have no comprehension of or are wondering what they are. It's sending forth the vibration of your prayer and letting go that you may experience that prayer. Grandma told me that. One time she was sitting in the dinning room where she did her readings and she was hurmning a little tune over and over and over again, the same little tune over and over as she shuffled the cards and laid them out in front of her. Jerry: Grandma, what are you doing? There's nobody for you to read. Grandma: Well, I'm letting go. Jerry: Grandma, what are you letting go of? Grandma: All my troubles. Jerry: Well, how do you let go of all your troubles, Grandma? Grandma: Well, the way I do it, Jerry, I sing a little song. Then I hear it singing inside of me. And I know that Jesus, a man that lived long ago who was a very beautiful and loving person, was a very beautiful and forgiving being who performed miracles and suffered and died for me. I know that he is with me and inside of me and he takes all of my troubles and gives them to God so they can be made into beautiful good things to come back for everyone to enjoy. And when I give him these troubles I never think ahout them

again, because he said that is what I am to do.

Jerry: Oh, will -he take my troubles too, Grandma?

Grandma: Yes, hblll take your troubles too because he is inside of you. And he's inside of everyone else, but they don't know it. They are always looking outside of themselves because they are afraid to look inside because they have troubles waiting at the door to their insides. Jerry: Oh, I guess Ilhave some troubles at my door too, Grandma. Grandma: Well, if you give them to Jesus to take care of for you, Jerry, then that door opens wide into a bright Light where music plays and everything is beautiful. Jerry: Well, I gotta go play now, Grandma.

Grandma: Okay, be careful Jerry. I love you.

Jerry: I love you too, Grandma.

Yes, my grandma had a lot of love, wisdom and truth in her. She taught me that I had to go above my senses. And these thoughts came back to me as I walked around this beautiful Hawaii, because there was something very, very beautiful about, my grandma. It wasn't something that you could see or touch or feel or even sense, it was just some- thing you knew deep inside of you. Her calmness, her gentle loving voice and care, her strong will, even being such an immense person, taking care of herself and not wanting people to fuss over her, spending many, many hours alone in quiet solitude, working, ever working on the inner planes of her soul. She told me of that path to a golden room of light. And I experienced that path here in Hawaii. I was here about two weeks and I started a job at a local hotel. And when I got into that job it was the same routine I had just escaped from. I said, "No!" I didn't want it again, it had come to haunt me. But I was bound and determined to be happy so I smiled. One evening after I got this job, I was at a restaurant and I asked a man that was sitting there ... seemed like a nice man, I was just kind of drawn to him. I looked at him, he looked at me and the first thing I said was, 11 Do you know where there is any inexpensive places here? I'd like to stay in Hawaii but I don't have much money.11 I was eating my bowl of soup and some fruit because this was what my

diet was. I had stopped eating meat. I had sacrificed it for enlight- enment and for a higher knowledge. I remember my grandmother telling me about meat. And after that, when we killed our bull, Ferdinand ... I remember seeing it happen and I never ate meat for a long time after that because he was kind of a pet of ours on the farm. Well, I asked this man that question; if he knew any place that was inexpensive. And he told me, "Oh, yes, I know a place in Manoa Valley, and we have one room there.11 I said, "Oh, that would be beautiful. Seclusion that's what I want. A room by myself.11 "Yes, and nobody will bother you there, either. It is up on the Salvation Army property.11 "It's not one of those kind of homes?" I asked. "No, no, it's just a room and they rent it to people outside. There is a counselor there, too, for the Salvation Army. They rent an office there, but you -would. be very comfortable, I am sure. It's a nice room, and it has its own bathroom inside. "Oh, that sounds good," I said. The next thing, I found myself in a room in Manoa Valley and I was so thankful. My money was getting very slim. I called my wife, who was still on the Mainland with our two children. I had left behind all of the possessions I had worked for eleven years to gain: a house, a car, a family, furnishings, antiques, very little money in the bank and a cabin. I could only count my negatives and not my blessings when I came to this island. How that has changed! I thank God for "Every day, in every way I Am getting better and better" and I keep this thought. it helps me to become one with all beings and be that guiding light to a higher consciousness. I found in the seclusion of Manoa Valley a calm, a peaceful vi- bration and I decided to learn some more about my inner self. I had been reading books on Buddha, on Zen, on self-hypnosis and reaching past the subconscious mind into the Super Conscious Mind. These were all new terms to me. A friend brought a book called, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I glanced through it then read it. I felt an impulse off it. I read Be Here Now, The Teachings of Don Juan, and other metaphysicalbooks

from the theosophy teachings. I read the Bible daily, along with the Bh,agavad-Gita, studied the Yoga Sutras and the Tibetan Path of Buddhism, as well as other Buddhic teachings. This was also the time I came into the Ascended Masters Light. They only stimulated something within me; reminding me of past conversations with my grandmother, reminding me of experiences I had while out in the desert with a friend... extraordinary experiences. Now I was here in Hawaii having even more extraordin@ry experiences ... sometimes doubting my sanity, spending hours crying, sobbing and praying for Christ to come and help me. To show me the way. To show me the path. They said all you had to do was ask for him to come inside. I asked, I asked, but they didn't tell me that I also had to accept him or if they did tell me, I never listened. I sobbed for hours over bad habits I had, over- failures of the past, reliving them in vivid agony. Sobbing and praying for forgiveness. Suspicious of anyone who may draw me back into a pattern, a pattern I was escaping from. Seclusion was my only refuge. Alone, I read some books and I felt this was the path.: in, inward, inward. I thought it was the path of isol,ation, hermitage. So I took a night course * upon that path to find enlightenment. I sat in long hours of meditation; deep meditation, praying for a teacher. But none, no matter what showed itself, seemed to answer my questions, my inner quest. They only had partial answers and it seemed like everything they would tell me I already knew. Grandma had told me so much of this before. They were using different terms and different words, but when you boiled it down the concepts were the same. When you took away all the-mystery, and the fantasy, and the illusion; the truth, the love and the wisdom are always the same. Oh, how many ways and how many games did I play before I came upon this stage of life? I looked back. Riding with those outlaw motorcycle@clubs in my teens; seeking thrills of the senses and finding no happiness, only discord and discontentment and illusion. Running with this group or that group only momentarily. Still remembering the words of my grandmother, "Don't join groups for soon you will be *Night course- I prayed for instructions during my szeeping hours.

them and lose yourself.

I walked in one day as she was sitting in our room, another

room, not thb dining room but the front room. And she was rocking her chair back and forth. I was 12 then. And I said to her, "Grandma, why do people act different than what they really are?" She said, "What do you mean, Jerry?" Jerry: Oh, like those ladies today that were here talking to you. They were nice ladies but they were playing funny little games, like we pretend. Grandma: Oh, yes, Jerry, some people become pretending. Some people are caught in illusions they create with their minds. Some people get caught in their past, in their emotions, and never grow up in that body. That is what you see Jerry and you can see through it because I have given you some secrets to see. Jerry: You mean like the mirror, (irandma - when I look into the mirror?

Grandma: Yes, Jerry, but you haven't told anybody, have you?"

Jerry: No, brandma, cause you told me not to tell anybody, not even my mommy, not my daddy or nobody.11 Grandma: Yes, Jerry, it is very important until you accumulate enough power within yourself to understand and really know the truth you should never share what I am teaching you. Jerry: I won't Grandma, I promise. Grandma: Now that's a promise, Jerry. Cause its very, very import- ant; cause some people could take what you know and hurt other people. And you Muldn-@t want anybody to hurt anybody, cause you wouldn't want anybody to hurt you. And remember what Jesus told us, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.11 That means, Jerry, when you do something good for someone else it comes back to you because there is a great law in this Universe. Its God's law and Jesus knew all about God's laws and told us about them. And everything returns back to the source, just as you will return back to God. Jerry: Will I ever get caught in a ny games, Grandma, like those

people play?

Grandma: Yes, Jerry, you will and it will be for your experience.

But when you are in the game you won't know it because you will be

the game. Just like they don't know it. But then when they get away by themselves and th6y go to go inside, thby know that they are playing a game. And that is what keeps so many people outside, laughing and suffering from illusion.

Jerry: Will we every stop playing games, Grandma?

Grandma: Yes, Jerry, someday mankind will stop playing games when they find out what Jesus was telling them, that each one of them can be the Son of God just like he was. And he came to prove that Jerry, just like it says in these books. He said he was our brother. He said he was one who came to show us the way. But so many people are not told the truth not even by their own churches. So Jerry, never get caught in a g